A Lesson

As I mentioned in my share last night, my mindset had taken a hit with the Tiger Challenge being postponed. In my case, cancelled, since neither tentative date will work due to previous engagements that cannot be changed. I had some really great momentum happening. Between learning to spar, learning and practicing a new school form with my team, getting creative with board breaking, developing a fight choreography, working with the kids on their events and watching them get more and more excited...I had all kinds of things that were sending sparks throughout my training, and my life. Of course I can still continue to work on these things. But without that goal...that deadline...the spark went out.

I completely understand why the decision was made and why it was important to do so. And I appreciate we have leaders willing to make unpopular decisions when needed and I support them fully. But sometimes rational thought and emotions don't quite line up. And I can support and agree with something, while still not liking it. In fact, I would imagine those that made the decision, didn't really like it themselves.

Something I did not share last night is that I have also been feeling some anger and resentment.

Throughout this pandemic, many have given up alot. We stay home if sick...missing work...missing school. We've missed visits and events with family. We've missed beginnings and we've missed good-byes. To date, Nathan has gotten Covid, as have I. Each time we were diligent with our isolating, even within our own home. Some have told me that I went overboard compared to what others were doing. But in each case we were able to prevent anything spreading beyond our home. At least that we are aware of. But isn't that all we are asking of each other? Be mindful, be aware and use common sense. Every scenario won't be the same. It isn't exactly black and white and the risk of Covid may have to take a back seat in some cases. But too many are just acting with indifference and disregard for anyone beyond themselves.

And so honestly...I've been feeling angry. And resentful. I've been angry that we continue missing out because so many refuse to act accordingly. I'm angry that this continues to drag on. I'm resentful towards those that continue to make exceptions for themselves...justifying that their wants are necessities. I'm resentful that while many are doing their very best, others are being flippant. I know this dynamic has been happening the whole way through. But everyone has a breaking point....a straw. And I think missing the Tiger Challenge because of ongoing indifference is mine. And it really took the wind out of my sails.

Having said all that, I am a Zen practitioner and I do follow the Zen approach to suffering. A practitioner...not a master. Lol. And although I would have gotten there eventually, I am grateful for that reminder in last nights meeting because it got me there just a little bit quicker.

In addition to meditation, laying my thoughts and feelings out in an organized and coherent way always helps me with awareness and acceptance. I am aware of what I'm feeling, I acknowledge why these feelings are present and I accept them. I don't need to ignore them or push them aside. But I also need to accept that these feelings are mine. Attempting to blame others for causing them, or projecting them onto others only waters them to grow. I believe these feelings have served me as much as they will in this instance and, although I know this will sound hokey, I am grateful for the lesson. I truly feel I have learned a great deal about myself from this small experience and this knowledge will serve me moving forward.

After the meeting last night I reached out to Todai Ward and we will continue working on our fight choreography. I will continue to focus on sparring and advance by whatever means I can. I will keep working with my team on our form in whatever capacity will serve them. I will continue to develop a board break sequence and approach it as a personal side challenge. And I will keep working with the kids and come up with something creative where they can showcase their efforts, even if it's not in person at the challenge.

I am feeling really good.

Malinda Ferris